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Some Selections from The Parsons Dictionary of Often Used Words and Phrases — For Botched

January 4, 2011

contract, n: a legally binding document composed in such an obfuscated way as to ensure that the courts will uphold and support the Party of the First Part screwing over the Party of the Second Part until the Party of the Second Part’s ass (or other predetermined orifice) is bloody and raw.

politics, n: whenever three or more people are gathered together in the name of the common good for the purpose of deciding what is best for the whole, only to have what is best for no one voted for by a majority.

promotion, n: a reward given for a peon‘s ability to overcome his or her natural humane instincts by screwing over a co-peon who is infinitely more qualified and better suited.

resolution, n: a solemn oath made by person to that, while meant to encourage him or her to stop some activity or vice, actually condemns himself or herself to continuing in the very same activity or vice that was the subject of the oath; an excuse to engage in the maximum amount of unhealthy, ill-advised, or undesirable behavior during the final days of the calender year; a sure fire method to be able to maintain a strict regiment of smoking, boozing, whoring, over-eating, and non-exercise without the burden of feeling too guilty about it.

self-employed, adj: underemployed or unemployed just enough to be able stay off welfare and avoid being labeled a bum by one’s neighbors.

White Christmas”, phrase: 1. a hopelessly sentimental notion that hold thusly: a. that the weather on 25th day of December should include a heavy blanket of pure white snow that no one has to shovel and that will not impede anyone’s progress towards a family gathering; b. that it snowed in the Middle East Desert on the night an illegitimate child was born; c. that said illegitimate child, even if he was born while it snowed in the desert, was actually born in December; d. that said illegitimate child was the Christ; e. and that said illegitimate child/ future Christ somehow foretold the crooner Bing Crosby. 2. A horrible tune sang by Bing Crosby, who, though he was never on record for being a bigot, most certainly beat his children whether they were naughty or nice.

 

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