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More Random Entries from The Parsons Dictionary of Often Used Words and Phrases

August 11, 2009

Department Chair, n : A person, not actually a chair – so lacking in intelligence, reason, common sense, or personality that he (or she) is often mistaken for a piece of furniture. Also, a species of weasel. (ALTERNATE USES  & SPELLINGS: Chair of the Department.)

Higher Education, n: A subset of institution, to which people pay large amounts of money in order to receive a piece of paper with an approximate worth of  1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of the amount actually paid. Like paper money, value is inferred not inherent, and that value changes depending on economic viability, and whether or the recipient is living in his (or her) parents’ basement.

Institution, n: Everything that isn’t inside your head. (And they’re after that, too.) Sneaky and subversive, the stated function or purpose of an institution is a smoke screen for some other purpose that, truthfully, no one knows except the people/persons who created it; and since those people or persons are dead, no one can ask them. Generally, though, whenever the institution, or any of it’s weasels, lackeys, or peons do anything to hinder the stated purpose, the behavior is usually rewarded with promotions, higher salaries, bonuses, and year long paid sabbaticals.

Lackey, n: Institutional cog who is not yet a weasel,  but is too entrenched to be a peon. This person accepts the ascendancy of the institution, embraces it’s stated and unstated goals, and sacrifices all individuality, rational thought, and dreams for the sake of the institution. 

Libertarian, n: Follower of a particular ism that favors corporate greed over government incompetence.  Also, someone who lacks the fortitude to be an anarchist, but still wants to abolish the IRS. 

“Men are dogs.” phrase:  Allegorical and sometimes literal fact. Descriptive phrase used to explain the often animal-like behavior of men to daughters, wives, sisters, female co-workers, and friends who happen to be women, as well as all of their female friends.  The actual meaning and intent of this phrase depends entirely on the tone and facial expression of the speaker, as well as the amount of alcohol ingested. Can be a term of endearment or a judgment of character.

“No worries.” phrase:  Often spoken flippantly or while smiling, this phrase can mean many things, such as: “Not your problem.”; “I’ll handle it.”; “None of your business.”

Peon n: Institutional bitch. The people or persons who do all the work, get none of the credit, and are thanked for their hard work with increased work loads, worry, anxiety, and pay cuts – all of which are designed to undermine the peon’s confidence, shatter the peon’s self-esteem, and inhibit any sense of solidarity amongst peons as a group. Generally those peons who are willing to feed upon their own kind are raised to lackey status and given more thankless, meaningless work – as a symbol of increased “faith.” 

Weasel, n, adj: An administrator that has so completely embraced his (or her) mediocrity that he (or she) helps to hinder the entire stated purpose of said institution. Also, any administrator in a hierarchical or corporate organization who cannot think for himself (or herself), and can’t do anything but the bare minimum required for survival (breathing) without permission. Habitats include: gray lifeless cubicles; closet-sized offices; golf courses; up the ass of the weasel in charge.

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